if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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