You just made me feel so damn special
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
