Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
