i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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