I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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