You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
