I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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