I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
did i just pee glitter
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
