I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
