You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
