Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
