Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
