I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
