Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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