I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's get the cat blown out
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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