If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
