i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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