I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
