I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
