saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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