we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
