i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
