The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
