if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
