yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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