I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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