So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
