I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
