It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
