1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
