Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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