I think I am morally bankrupt
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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