I've blown a few things in my day
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
