I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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