On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
