no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
