I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
