my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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