You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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