Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
