just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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