I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
