JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
