If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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