Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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