I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
