apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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