How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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