I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
