I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
