This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
