Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
