hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Tornado booty call.. dedication
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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