I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
